So I have found writing this blog a bit therapeutic, and I know you guys are now getting to know me better, which is good for me because I feel like I am still in your lives even though I am so far away, and though chatting with everyone I feel like I am still in yours. It’s been great knowing that I have such a great network of family, friends and acquaintances back home supporting me. This blog post has nothing really to do with Buenos Aires so I understand if you want to stop reading, I won’t even know!
But like I said writing is helping me. Since I have 3 weeks left here in Buenos Aires and then a month of travel after (yes I am very very lucky), I have starting thinking about the “real world” and starting analyzing my time here to see if I have figured “it” out, or at least have a better idea on what I want to do in life; and as of now, I still have no idea and that has been depressing me. Especially since the eternal worrier and accountant in me has just done a check of the finances, and while I am secure for awhile(although donations are accepted); I know that I’m going to break down when I come home and have to start using my safety net (aka. my grandmother’s will money). This hurts a bit because I know she would rather have had me spend that money on a wedding (not any time soon) or on a home (that won’t happen either because I don’t even know where I want to settle down). But I also know deep down inside that my Nana (on my mom’s side, I luckily still have my dad’s mom) was adventurous and would be happy to know that I left and tried to figure “it” out and travel the world, learning new languages, and discovering myself. She had those opportunities twice in her life, first, when she traveled half the world with her mom (her father died mid-trip and her mother couldn’t go alone) and when she traveled the world a second time with my Papa who was in the military and film industry. She may not have seemed like the most adventurous person later in life, but she was full of stories and I know she would think the money well spent in the end, even if she did give me a hard time at first.
I also have something to get off my chest and that is my intense jealousy, but also extreme elation for my friends who have been able to move to the places they always wanted to like (aka all you SLO guys) and those of you who have attained that “perfect” for the time being job. You guys have all worked hard in jobs you hated, extra schooling, and living apart from your loved ones to get to where you are today, and although I am green with envy, I am so proud of you guys for sticking with “it” and ending up in your dream life. I hope to one day (soon, please God, soon) get there too, at least with a job, since that’s my biggest demon right now. I am, however; very excited to have so many houses to stay at when I am in SLO or the Bay Area, so you all better watch out; I may never leave your guest-rooms!
Everyone has different paths, and I know that, and as envious as I am, I know that many are envious of my path. It’s tough to quit your job, lose your income and general security to head to another country without a backup or return plan, you have to be a bit crazy, and well, I think I’m a bit crazy, the accountant on my shoulder tells me every day, but deep down I know I needed this. I needed to leave to figure “it” out, see the world, see different perspectives, meet new people, be alone and most importantly learn a new language, something I have wanted to do for many years, ever since my babysitter, Elva, planted the seed at a young age, and then it took Mrs. Charnow in High School to start the growing process, and now this trip and VOS to help me realize my dream of speaking Spanish. And as crazy as I think I am, I am really glad I am doing this. I may worry day to day about what will happen in two months; will I get a job quickly?, will I spend all my savings and go into debt?, what’s going to happen?, but I am learning to let it go. I know that my loving parents and family will never let me starve (they may not let me go on another trip until I find a job and pay them back) but they will always be there for me, no matter what. I am lucky for that. I am lucky for Nick who has great patience to let me come and figure “it” out. I am lucky for all my caring friends who send messages just to say hi, and all my new friends. I know I have no right to be jealous of my friends who moved and got great jobs, one day I will have that too, but right now I’m on a different path, and I think, no, I KNOW, it’s a great one. Who gets to just drop everything to live in another country? Not many and then who gets to come home to a vacation? Even less. Every path is different, I chose the less traveled one, and it’s scary (because it’s different from the rest) but I know will be worth “it” in the long run. I’m lucky to be on my path.
As a last note, I know I told you all the books I have been reading, well the Happiness Project has been wonderful and I am going to start applying some of those principles to this blog. You will still get fun trip updates but I am also going to start applying my “soul searching” to the blog in separate posts. I hope you all don’t mind. Much love and thank you everyone for your love and support, and a huge congratulation to all my friends living and doing what you love, you have worked hard and deserve it!
*It is in quotes because I don’t know what it is, yet.
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